he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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