and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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