I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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