i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize