hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
