also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
