You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
