Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
