I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
