i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
