Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
