Can i not drive my cunt home
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
