if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
