I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
