I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
