my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
