So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
