I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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