rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
