I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
