I looked at my own cervix.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
