My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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