I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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