everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
