Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
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My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
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Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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