we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Life is so much better after having sex.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
