Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we made out on top of his cat.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
