maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
