bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
