I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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