Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
