so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
