the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
