When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"