Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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