I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
