Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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