It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
