Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
