it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
