I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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