mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I want a musical about memes.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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