She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
