Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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