you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just had sex on a roof
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
