if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
