the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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