can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
