is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
