Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
