I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
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His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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