one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
