dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
